600 million users, 65 billion dollars, a quarter of all page views in U.S. these are the statistics Facebook is showing, and amazingly they are increasing. Facebook is the biggest social network that provides its user with various services helping Friends connect and enjoy fun applications. The effect of Facebook upon society is increasing rapidly day by day, as more and more people join.
The influence of the Facebook's founder, Mark Zukerberg, is also increasing. His personal worth is about 6.9 billion dollars, and the movie about his story, Social Network, succeeded greatly. He also received a great honor by selected as 'the person of the year' by Time magazine. But there rises a question: Does he really deserve that title?
Let's first think about the meaning of the person of the year. Considering all the prior recipients , we can figure out that the standard of selection is based on the influence of the person regardless of whether the effect was good or not. Usually, person regarded as good person receives the honor, but dictators like Adolf Hitler and Joseph Stalin, also earned the title. Then, we can easily figure out that what we have to consider is the influence of other nominees to know who truly should be the person of the year.
1st candidate: Julian Assange
Do you know Wikileaks? According to a blogger named D.E. Wittkower, the WikiLeaks way means more public knowledge, more public involvement, and less public deception. Wikileaks is a non-profit organization which reveals confidential information related to the issue
of politics, economy, diplomacy, and even national securities. It has revealed so private and intently concealed information, such as Hillary Clinton had ordered to collect the information of the Secretary General of UN, Mr.Ki-mun Ban, Suadi Arabian King asked the commander of U.S army privately to foil the nuclear project of Iran, or Chinese government is related to the hacking of Google server. Julian Assange is the editor-in-chief of Wikileaks, and he is vilified by the public for causing social unrest by disclosing confidential and important information which is tacitly hidden by the government or official organizations to settle down society. If there were no Wikileaks, it might be impossible for the public to know the truth. The impact of Julian Assange is so great that even Governments around the world are trying to stop him through diverse tactics such as suing Wikileaks and censoring information on internet. Mark zuckerberg had commented on Julian Assange and Wikileaks during the interview with TIME that at a very high level, some of the themes could be connected…the WikiLeaks story I think is fascinating but I also don’t think we’re anywhere near the end of it. Yes.He may not provided us with the endings, but he had given us the start. If is our hero who had sacrificed himself, why not we give him the title of 'the person of the year'?
2nd candidate: Steve Jobs
If Mark Zuckerberg is selected because of making Facebook, which is an internet website using diverse IT technologies combined with the idea connecting people, why can't we make Steve Jobs as 'the person of the year' since he also made lots of fascinating IT products, such as Ipod, Iphone, and Ipad. He made apple as the company of which the market capitalization,the total value of a firm's stock, is the biggest. We cannot belittle the innovation and competition brought by Apple company of which Steve jobs is a CEO. Isn't it strange why only Mark Zuckerberg deserves 'the person of th year?
The influences of people working in various fields of our society are causing important changes which can even lead us to 'The Fifth Wave'. The impact of IT revolutions, such as SNS, smart products, the democratic revolution spreading in Northern Africa, environment NGOs, and the newest scientific studies and technology development can change and is changing our society. Every single side of the world is affecting the world in any kind of way. Some are causing changes by stunning people, others are fighting against the dictators, others are adapting new system as soon as possible leading the trend. In this changing world, who should be the person of the year? Obviously, Mark zuckerberg has earned the most profit among three of the candidates I've mentioned. He has connected a twelfth of all the world's populations, made the most successful social network. However, it is obvious that Facebook had let all the private information in danger and might make the movie 'Eagle Eye' possible which Julian Assange had prohibited. Citing from The Telegraph article saying that Assange sees the world as filled with real and imagined enemies; Zuckerberg sees the world as filled with potential friends., I found that the truth is that people don't like negative side of our world. I don't think that Mark Zuckerberg deserves such title, but still the public might want him to have it.
600 million users, 65 billion dollars, a quarter of all page views in the U.S(.) These are the statistics Facebook is showing, and (DELETE even) AMAZINGLY they are increasing. Facebook is the WORLD'S biggest social network (DELETE service) that provides its user with various services, HELPING FRIENDS connect (DELETE with their friends online) and ENJOY (DELETE other) fun applications. The effect of Facebook upon (DELETE the) society is increasing RAPIDLY day by day(,) as MORE AND MORE PEOPLE JOIN. The influence of FACBOOK'S founder(,) Mark Zukerberg, is ALSO INCREASING.
답글삭제HIS personal WORTH is about 6.9 billion dollars, and the movie about his story, "The Social Network," succeeded greatly. He also received a great honor by BEING selected as 'The Person of the Year' by Time magazine. But there rises a question: Does he really deserve the THAT TITLE?
Let's first think about the meaning of the person of the year. Considering all the prior RECIPIENTS, we can figure out that the standard of SELECTION is based on the influence of the person, REGARDLESS OF whether the effect was good or not. USUALLY (DELETE Sometimes), A person (DELETE who is) regarded as (DELETE a) good (DELETE person) receives the HONOR (DELETE honer), but dictators like Adolf Hitler and Joseph Stalin also EARNED THE TITLE (DELETE received the honor too). Then, we can easily figure out that WHAT we have to consider IS the influence of other nominees to know who TRULY SHOULD BE the person of the year.
1st candidate: Julian Assange
Do you know Wikileaks? Wikileaks is a non-profit organization and it reveals confidential information related to the issue of politics, economy, diplomacy, and even national securities. Julian Assange is the editor-in-chief of (DELETE the) Wikileaks, and he is vilified by the public for causing social unrest by disclosing confidential and important information which is tacitly hidden by the government or official organizations to settle down society. If there WERE (DELETE was) no Wikileaks, it might be (DELETE almost) impossible for the public to know the truth(DELETE and we could have simply believed that the thing that we thought to be the truth but isn't really true). The impact of Julian Assange is so GREAT (DELETE big) that GOVERNMENTS (DELETE even the whole) AROUND THE world ARE trying to stop him by THROUGH diverse tactics (-) SUCH AS (DELETE like) suing (DELETE the) Wikileaks AND censoring information on internet.
(NEXT SENTENCE NEEDS A LOT OF REWORDING - VERY UNCLEAR => He maybe is the hero who is trying to save us from the deception of our society by making us impossible to have access to the information we know; if is our hero, why not 'the person of the year'?
(Read it out loud - how does it sound?)
REWORD - RUN-ON SENTENCE - The impact of IT revolutions, such as SNS, smart products, the democratic revolution spreading in Northern Africa, environment NGOs, and the newest scientific studies and technology development can change and is changing our society.
Pretty good, and in some spots your writing ability shines through without any error. In other spots, error muddles your overall meaning, and complex sentences need to be ironed out, simplified, and restated. I think with some practice and focus on proofreading second drafts, you will see how things can improve. You have the foundation intact, now you just need to polish and fine tune.
답글삭제AS for the essay, I like it, but really wasn't sure where you were going until the end. You spend most of your time laying a foundation, and then at the end its "Surprise! This is what my opinion is." It seems a bit undeveloped, so I'd like to have a clearer sense of your opinion in the beginning and less summary. Basically, more argument.
All in all, good work.
I think this rewrite was at least a week late, and it seems you did it in a bit of a rush. There are still too many errors and oversights, and in the criteria for the second draft I requested that you include quotes. For future second drafts, please make a seperate post and leave the first draft intact to I can see the changes you made. Beyond just grammar, I'd like to see students begin to focus on content in second drafts as well.
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